Setting Boundaries
We have all read something at some point about how important it is to have boundaries to protect our emotional and physical well-being. We have every right as humans to protect our space and to recognize when a relationship isn’t serving us anymore. Maybe lines have been crossed that we know shouldn’t be but we don’t know what to do. We often go along to get along at the cost of ourselves and over time that can create physical and psychological distress. But how do you do it? How do you have boundaries when you either weren’t raised with them so you don’t know what they look like, or maybe you’ve been allowing someone to run you over for far too long?
Following are some steps you can think about as you recognize the importance of having boundaries for your health in your most important relationships.
First, determine your boundaries.
You must have a clear idea in your mind about what you think and believe, what you will and won’t tolerate, and what behavior from another doesn’t sit well with you. Go get a piece of paper and let’s write this out. Here are some questions I want you to think about to determine if you need to set some boundaries for yourself.
When I think about my relationship with ________, I often feel ________ (tired, depressed, eggshells, anxious, sad, irritated, angry) with them.
Do I often feel this way around them?
What percentage of the time is the relationship nonstressful for me versus stressful?
What is my energy like when I'm with them?
Do I agree to something in person and then feel or think or talk negatively about it afterward?
How do I envision myself feeling better in this relationship?
What would it take?
Now that you've answered some of those questions let's see what it might look like in a sentence. For example, it might sound like this, "It is not OK with me that my spouse tries to bring up upsetting conflict right before we go to bed. It upsets me and disrupts my sleep and feels like a violation of my space". or, "I feel sad when I look over and see my partner on their phone when I'm trying to talk to them". Getting clear about what boundary we need to set based on what we think and believe is a mandatory first step.
Second, share your thinking and experience.
Authentically express your position, thoughts, and/or beliefs to the other person. This is the scary part! This is where your brain is attempting to yank up the emergency brake believing that you’re headed toward a cliff. You might hear yourself trying to rationalize avoiding having this conversation by saying, "It’s not that big a deal, I can deal with it. I’m probably blowing it out of proportion". Notice that thought as an attempt by your brain to keep you safe from danger. Then, override it by saying to yourself, "Thanks, brain I appreciate your assistance but I'm safe and this is a conversation that I need to have to be even safer". Most people always respect people who are clear and concise and can stand up for themselves, it’s hard not to.
Here are some things to consider as you prepare to define your thinking to someone. When is a good time to have this conversation? Let the person know you have a couple of things on your mind that you could use assistance with and would they be willing to have a conversation with you this evening over dinner? Or you might say, “I wonder if now would be a good time for me to bring up a couple of things I've been thinking about that I would value your input on while we're in this car ride, would that be OK? “ Best not to spring it on them but rather respect their boundary by asking when a good time would be. Also, did you notice the question? By asking for assistance and expressing value in their input you are moving toward a collaborative discussion versus one that feels they are “in trouble.”
Another thing to think about while defining yourself to another is how you say it. Remember this is self-definition. You are discussing what is difficult for YOU. What your experience is. You are not talking about what they are doing TO you. So it might sound like this, “You know, I’ve been thinking it is challenging for me to fall asleep when you bring up heavy things about our relationship right before bed. It’s really important to me that we shift the time of those conversations. Can we make an effort to carve out time during the day?” Or, “ I am noticing that I am having a really hard time staying focused in the conversations we are having because of the tone in your voice. I want to hear what you are saying and I’m wondering if it would be possible for you to shift your tone so that I can participate in the conversation”. Or “I recognize that my propensity to feel left out can sometimes be high but I’m noticing I’m losing steam in making the effort to connect with you when I look over and you’re on your phone. I want to feel close and connected. Is it possible to put your phone down during these conversations so I can feel heard?”
Let me circle back to the reminder about why you need to set these boundaries. Your heart might be palpitating and you may be about to abandon this whole ship. Being afraid to hurt other people is prioritizing their thoughts, beliefs, and emotions over your own. Going along to get along causes damage to you psychologically. There have even been studies that show those who go along to get along and don’t have a voice in a relationship, have more physical illness than those who do have boundaries and take stands for themselves. The body will always keep the score, even if your mind doesn’t.
Third, be prepared to sit with their emotions.
Tolerate the discomfort in the other. Notice it, feel it, breathe through it, and release it. Over and over again. If you struggle with boundaries, you are accustomed to allowing their emotions to take precedence over yours. You are accustomed to abandoning yourself to avoid their anger, sadness, or disappointment. It is going to be uncomfortable to feel as though you are making them uncomfortable. Let me repeat that to normalize this and to help you understand that this is the very reason you have been avoiding having a boundary.
This is going to be uncomfortable for you to tolerate their discomfort. Don’t forget, you are not responsible for another person’s feelings or actions. Their choice in how they respond is guided by their sensitivities, and what I like to call “baby issues”. If they have a sensitivity to feeling rejected, they will hear your boundary through the lens of rejection. In kindness, you can add, “This is not a rejection of you, but rather a need to protect myself and create a space where I can do my best thinking”.
One thing that is important to understand here is the concept of sabotage in a family system. When one person is making a change, you can be sure that the other people in the system who will be affected by this change will communicate their dislike of it. It is a part of the process and this is when most people give up and go back to their old ways. It’s too uncomfortable! Having other people be uncomfortable is difficult to tolerate. You must push through this stage to get to the other side. The other side is the acceptance of one’s new boundaries and soon that becomes the accepted norm. Take a little time to explore where the people-pleasing side of you came from. Often that is a learned behavior from childhood where someone in the system became deregulated easily and you worked hard to avoid that reaction in the other.
Another possibility is our acceptance by a caretaker was based on our success or performance. We only felt the positive attachment when we were doing something “good”. Exploring the creation of your people pleasing is important to learn how to set boundaries. It might not be from your parents and could be from peers or teachers. Our brains are so sensitive at early ages and makes connections that are often difficult to undo later in life.
Trust yourself. What you think and feel is authentically you whether it’s a popular position or not it’s you and yours. Breathe through your discomfort with their emotions, expect the attempted sabotage, and hold steady.
Fourth, don't makeup stories to undermine your boundaries.
Here is a don’t versus a do. But there is also a do in here once you understand the don’t :) Don’t write stories that the other person is responding in a way that makes you want to cave. For example, “They are never going to talk to me again” or, “They’re going to talk badly about me to everybody”. Our brain will do this in an attempt to sabotage us from moving forward in a positive direction that happens to be more unknown and unpredictable.
When we write these negative stories we end up behaving toward others as if they are true. It can create a wedge or a distance between you and the other person that isn’t even based on facts! Work hard at this stage to focus on the reasons that drove you to want to create healthy boundaries.
If you’re going to write stories, do write positive ones that are more accepting and respectful of your boundaries. If you’re going to create a negative story, you can just as easily create a positive story that works in your favor to keep you centered. “I know they love me and while this may be challenging for them, I know they want what’s best for me”.
Finally, keep your boundary.
Now it’s your responsibility to keep your boundary. Even if it gets hard and it will be hard. I like to encourage people to almost make a game of it. How long will it take for this boundary to become the norm? One week? Three? Four? Or, how many times will I have to repeat my boundary in one week? Take a guess so that you can keep track and collect data about how long something like this might take.
Change is hard and it takes time. It makes it much more interesting and may help hold you accountable to your boundary by keeping track of the time it takes. Come up with a mantra about your boundary. And reread that mantra as you move through the discomfort of their emotional reactivity to the line you’ve drawn. For example, “I love and respect myself, and deserve to take this space”. Or, “my happiness is equally as important as those around me I deserve to have this boundary”.
Having healthy relationships is extraordinarily important for your mental health. It is also very important for your physical health. Many might argue, including myself, that the two are the same. The more stress, we experience in a relationship, the more cortisol (the stress hormone) is released into our system. The more this hormone is released into our system the more inflammation we have. The more inflammation we have the more disease we create. Yes eating well, sleeping well, and exercising, are all important for our health. Now add having good boundaries in a relationship to that list. Learn to speak up and own your space. Your health depends on it.
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