Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. Our actions are influenced by their context.

Since health and safety concerns have escalated during the novel coronavirus pandemic, businesses, schools, community gatherings, etc. have been forced to shut down. As a result, individuals, couples, and families have been forced to re-structure their lives and adapt to an entirely different routine almost overnight. Because of this, many people have become stressed and strained, having to redefine the way they live, work, and relate to one another.

I don’t know about you, but there have been times I have wanted to pull a child aside and get right in their face and tell them to stop being mean to my kid, or else….(fist up knuckles forward.)

One time, when my oldest was about 6 or 7, I spent days begging her to try swim team to see if she would like it (and I was feeling a little isolated and needed some new mom friends.) FINALLY she agreed to do it, but it was an arms crossed and I’m going to hate every minute of it type of agreement. But I did as I instruct my clients to do and I just listened to the words, not the non verbal behavior. So, “fine” with an eye role meant, “yes.”

So, we get her all suited up, new goggles in hand and a look like she’s going to melt down faster than an ice cube in a hot frying pan. But I pretended not to see it and get her there, dragging her by the hand as she lagged behind with grumpus face. I pulled up a chair, phone out with camera app open all ready to enjoy my parenting accomplishment of having an involved child. I look over and this little (but appearing big) girl is standing between her and the one friend she knew (and who I had used as a tempting bribe to get her there) with her arms crossed and a horrifically mean look on her face. This is a girl that used to be her friend. I watch but I’m not smiling anymore. She then proceeds to turn her back toward my daughter and as my daughter tries to move to get around her the mean girl moves from side to side to block her. The crestfallen look on my daughters face almost moved me to tears except it didn’t because I was too mad and was considering allowing my fight or flight response to propel me toward the girl to yell at her (and maybe just a little grab of the arm?) Instead I looked at the girls mother to see if she was watching what was going on but she was busy chatting and laughing and being all popular. My teeth were gritting together and I felt hate toward that child (and honestly, her mother too) that one should not admit, much less write down for all eternity to know. But now you know, I wanted to bully that child right back. Mamma bear instincts full throttle. But I didn’t. My evolved brain over rode my ancient brain and I reminded my self that what doesn’t kill us….and deep breath.

Needless to say she did not go back to swim team, and I was fine with it. I saw how it was more self serving than a true act of paying attention to who my kid really is. Parenting fail number 307 out of 10,005.

It’s the start of a new school year and we want fresh starts, fresh motivation and
excitement from our kids! Rooms clean, clothes laid out, lunch stuff on the counter the night before and a beaming smile that says, “I’m going to conquer the $h*t out of this school year!” 💥💥💥

Some parents might get this from their kids and kudos to you! You have a courageous and positive kid who manages to stay in the moment and not let anticipatory anxiety and negative thinking get in the way of their visions for themselves. That’s right, I said visions for themselves because these kids actually have one. Your kids, parents, are in the minority, and the only thing you have to be aware of is when they are working TOO hard and may burn out.

Others may have kids who feel anxious, nervous, and stressed. That anxiety may come out in hideous behavior that you have to work hard to translate and respond accordingly with love and connection even tho you want to strangle them. They are acting out what they are having a hard time putting in to words, so along with moving toward someone you want to run away from, help them find the language by asking questions that may help them identify and verbalize their stress.

Or the stress may actually be voiced and communicated and you will do your best to listen and not dismiss or problem solve. If you have a thought to share about what you’re hearing, ask permission to share it. These kids just want to talk and process, so shhh.

Others may be feeling it in their heads or stomachs, they may be quiet and distant and have an overall lack of energy. You will let these kids know that you are there whenever and however they need you, and you may test the waters with a few gentle question or a story of your own about being nervous about something in your past. Kids are never too young to learn about the mind body connection and how their anxiety may be contributing to their physical pain. But be sure not to dismiss their aches and pains as not real. They are. Here is an article written by a teacher for students to work on the mind body connection. There are some very useful tools in there.

Still others may be acting “cool guy/gal” and pretending not to give two hoots about going back to school. These kids remind me of Danny (John Travolta) in Grease when he acts all cool around his friends instead of the lovely guy who was able to show his softer side to Sandy during the summer. Parents of these kids will let them know that they notice their confidence and they too have confidence they will do the best they can do, but also remind them that a lot of learning comes from making mistakes and messing up. How we learn from mistakes is what really defines us. Collect that data about what works and doesn’t work and apply, now that’s cool 😎