Teach your kids this one thing and increase their chances for success
Being a kid isn’t easy. Neither is always knowing how to parent them
How to teach about the beauty of “mistakes”
Approach “mistakes” with a twist
By Glennon Gordon, LICSW
I have a desire to make the word “mistake” obsolete. The word has a negative connotation to what is a normal, expected, desired, and integral part of life.
When I make a “mistake”, I feel humiliated, embarrassed, and like I want to crawl in to a hole and sit there until the feeling in me is no longer present. From an early age, “mistakes” have made me feel dumb, unworthy and empty. “Mistakes” often push people in to the throws of self-doubt, criticism and blame. Or it may force people into a state of victimhood by causing them to desperately search for someone else to blame so the accountability isn’t with them. It’s not uncommon to look for someone else to be the cause of our discomfort, after all.
Regardless, somewhere along the way we are taught that a “mistake” is a bad thing. If left unchecked, a “mistake” causes shame, shame of who we are and the choices we make. Clearly they must not be the “right” choices. Shame causes us to hide and repress our authentic selves and feeling shame could potentially contribute to us making decisions that validate feeling shameful. Affairs, money mismanagement, over drinking or eating, not taking care of our physical and emotional health is often a reflection of what we truly think we are worthy of. An inner dialogue of, “I’m not a good person, so I may as well do this thing that I know is a bad decision”. Shame is powerful, sneaky and covert and it comes from not being seen, appreciated, respected and honored for who we really are and what path we have chosen on any given day. In my opinion, a huge portion of this comes from the association of a mistake being bad. Somehow the ideal of perfection and doing it” right” the first time dominates the human mind and we are not given much room to grow in that tiny box of expectation of perfection.
It occurs to me, why did no one explain to me that “mistakes” are good!? When someone has a miss take (official word change starts here) why don’t we approach it like, “Hell yeah!! That’s awesome, congrats!!” Miss takes are opportunities for growth, a chance to collect data and learn what works and what doesn’t work. Miss takes are a part of an evolution of growth, so how dare we approach them negatively and shamefully! I want to teach my kids that they are supposed to have miss takes, they are to be celebrated and honored as a part of a process.
Let’s flip the script for our kids. Especially now when their worlds have been turned upside down. Communicate with them that you are going to celebrate miss takes with them from now on.
Go ahead! Have a miss take. Without miss take one you can’t jump to miss take two. We NEED miss take two to get to three and without three we can’t experience success. This, my friends, is what learning is. We learn through miss takes, they go to school to learn from miss takes. Ideally they are in an environment where miss takes are celebrated so that risks can be taken comfortably and with ease. They create incredible opportunity and our brains need the evolution of learning to create new neural pathways. We can’t walk across a wide river without building a bridge. Miss takes are how we build the bridge to the other side.
Think about a miss take you have made. What did it lead to? How was it part of an evolution, a process, a means to an end? Come up with a few examples and share them with your kids. Help them think of a miss take they made and what actual good and positivity came from it. Joke with them. When they make a miss take and share it with you say, “Hey cool! You made an opportunity, good for you!” (Some of you are rolling your eyes knowing that this optimism will make your kids want to punch you, but that’s where the preemptive conversation about your new approach will help.)
Sometimes kids just want to emote and receive sympathy and understanding. They may feel embarrassed and that’s a tough emotion for us humans, especially the young ones. Be there for them as non-anxiously as possible and listen and give them what they need. But try and circle back and let them know that their miss take was awesome and that you are proud of it and hope they will be too.
So what do you say? Are you down with trying to totally change the word and the meaning? I hypothesize that by turning the word in to two, miss take, and defining it as opportunity to our children, we will decrease shame and open a world of bright, well adjusted, authentic people who are eager to learn, take risks and change the world.
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