Three tips for rebalancing your relationship when business prevails over fun
There are two sides to every long-term partnership. A business side, and a romantic side. Most relationships become imbalanced easily and which one usually ends up with the lion's share of attention? You guessed it, the business side.
Listen, I get it, there’s a lot to manage. Children, schedules, bills, chores, school forms, groceries, meal prep on and on I could go! It’s no wonder why we end up relating to our partners over your to-do list the majority of the time. Now, add the tension if one person feels they’re doing more than their partner. Then you can potentially have resentment and passive aggression swirling around as well. That certainly doesn’t drive you towards the romantic side of your partnership. However, the romantic side is necessary for you to differentiate your relationship from a roommate to a romantic partnership!
You might want to ask yourselves these questions as you examine where your relationship is. Did the tension around the business side of the relationship create distance from the romantic side? Or is the business side of the relationship allowing you to avoid the romantic side, placing you in a functioning safe zone? If you would like your partnership to last, it’s important to examine this with your partner and re-balance it if it’s out of whack.
What are we aiming for anyway? Because there are multiple phases within one marriage and given the different seasons of life, the scale is going to move around. That’s fine if you have some awareness around it and can work together to rebalance it when needed. However, in general, keeping the scale balanced leaning more toward the romantic side (because after all, it’s more fun) may be something to shoot for. If you’re reading this, take stock of where you think you are, and then bring it up with your partner and see what they think. No judgment or criticism, imbalance is normal! Get curious about the whole thing.
Three suggestions for getting your relationship rebalanced.
Plan ahead. I know, I know I wish these things just easily fell into place because planning ahead seems so stiff. But I will tell you right now things just falling into place and there being a natural flow to figuring out times to talk business versus romance is very, very rare. Plan your dates and try to get out of the house on neutral territory. Try and pick the same day of the week if possible. I see a couple who has committed to an every Thursday night babysitter.
Write down a list of things you like to do as a couple that you each find fun or relaxing. Date nights, lunch dates, walks with the dog? Museums, wine tours, or hikes in the woods? What is fostering the romantic side of your relationship? Hint. It’s not talking about schedules and grocery lists. Schedule these things ahead of time and let nothing but a sick family member get in the way.
If all of this seems impossible or out of reach to adjust between yourselves, commit to receiving assistance. Life is just too short to be miserable in your current situation. It’s also not good for your health. Go back and remember what the spark that first attracted you was. I’m guessing it’s worth getting re-balanced and back on track. Go see a licensed therapist, watch useful videos together, and commit to reading a book like The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy, or articles on how to reconnect. You might find some good ones on this blog!
I’m happy to help if I can. Please feel free to email me if you’d like a session or two or 10 to get rebalanced. There is no shame in that game, long-term partnerships require a lot of work but find the fun!
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