I had a client come in today describing a very typical “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” scenario he had going on with his wife.  He described his wife as difficult and volatile, and he would do anything to avoid expressing his thoughts and opinions about any subject matter beyond the kids’ schedules so as to avoid the intensity of her reaction.  His perception is, if he doesn’t say a thing in response and just listens and nods, she gets angry that he’s not contributing.  If he speaks up about his view of the situation she gets angry and feels he’s trying to control her.  Her anger is like a hurricane with whipping winds carrying verbal assaults and leaving a trail of trash which can take him days to recover and heal from.  The manifestation of his fear of her comes out in stomach aches and pains that can keep him in bed for days.  His experience is that he works so hard to not upset her and just can’t seem to get it right.  Keep in mind, that while it might be easy to look at her as the problem, the reciprocal nature of the relationship is what keeps him stuck in this line of thinking that he’s backed into an impossible corner.  He does have a part to play in the dynamic, even if it’s just a matter of changing his perception of the situation.  He then frees himself from the corner and isn’t waiting for her to get out of his way.

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I don’t know about you, but left over from school days long ago, September feels like the mark of a fresh start and a new year! It’s a good time to asses your mental health as you prepare for change of season, kids going back to school and the holidays fast approaching.

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I recently had a conversation with a young woman who seemed very concerned that she was one way with her friends and colleagues — light, fun and dynamic and a different way with her husband — withdrawn, cranky, timid and on edge. Of course her automatic inclination was to blame her husband for this. She pointed out that he was too critical of her, he was mean at times, she was never good enough or smart enough for him. In her mind, it was he who made her become timid and distant.

This isn’t the first time I had heard someone describe this phenomena of having two faces. Most people who describe themselves as having this experience much prefer the person who can relate to friends and colleagues than the repressed old bag they feel they have become with their spouse. The longer and more intensely one focuses on the other as the cause of their differences in personality, the more they feel distant and panicked at the thought that they should no longer be together. I have witnessed people spend years waiting for the other to change so that they can….be happier, be skinnier, be richer, have more fun, be a better parent, a better host and a better friend. Waiting around for the other to make it possible for you to do and be these things in an endless cycle and energy suck that not only splits two people apart but it splits the individual apart. I believe that not being a consistent person in relationships actually contributes to one’s overall anxiety and even the physical manifestations of this anxiety. It’s a lot of stressful work trying to figure out who to be with whom and when to be it. What would it take to merge these two personalities together to create one person?

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