This week I have been working with a lot of couples who are hell-bent on attempting to change their spouse by complaining to them over and over and over. I suppose this isn’t such a far-fetched idea. If you pound a nail into a piece of hardwood over and over again, eventually it will sink in.

What really happens if we continually give our spouse the smackdown in hopes that something will sink in? Lots of things. But one thing that will NOT happen is the change in the other that you think you need to see to be happier. Not only will they most likely not change in the direction you think they should go, but they also won’t even change in the direction they think they should go. Instead, they freeze, or they rebel or they become passive-aggressive, or they become resistant and defensive. They might even temporarily look the way you want them to look but it’s only temporary if they are doing it to get you off of their back. Then you have this false hope disappointment thing going on. They are only reacting to your anxiety. This is a mess, a real mess I tell you.

Here’s what’s happening.

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